posted on Mar, 12 2014 @ 03:33 PM
On a whim, I asked my mother out for the day, which is really something that I never do. No idea what compelled me to do it. Usually I void her like
the plague. Was actually pretty perturbed when she showed up because my mother, who has always been a beauty, looked really kind of bad. I'd been
expressing some concern over her appearance on the usual once a month mother sighting and asking her if she was certain she didn't have cancer.
Well, while we're out, she gets a call back in response to a mammogram done early because her doctor saw what I saw, too. They want more tests,
another mammogram and an ultrasound. It doesn't look good.
My mother and I have a strange relationship, some of which I've discussed her on ATS. Strange is probably an understatement to be honest. She's a
strange person and for some, it's really palpable. One of my eldest child's friends once admitted that he was usually pretty good at seeing people
for what they are but my mother actually frightened him. He said it was like she always wears a mask and he had no idea what was underneath. Pretty
darn accurate description and I didn't tell him that I've seen some of what she's hiding or what it was. He was right to be afraid of her. He's
a smart kid.
My mother is and was intensely abusive. She's not tried to lay a finger on me since 2009 when I told her that I wasn't taking anymore from her and
called her out for what she had done. I had to write out what I was going to say to her beforehand just to make sure that I didn't get waylaid and
warned my son that she could be coming and to be ready. Sure enough, she gained entry into our home and knowing what was coming, I grabbed my son and
we barricaded ourselves in my room. What she's like in that particular state is disturbing. Cajoling with a saccharine sweet voice that just oozes
falsity one minute, screaming rage and trying to batter down the door the next. I was so used to it that I just turned on music loud in a futile
attempt to block out her sound but when I saw my son's terrified face with his feet shoring up the door, I knew it really was time to draw that line.
He asked me to call the police and I did, first time ever. My mother's mask hides a deep and terrifying madness. Sounds corny but it's true.
I have a lot of questions about all that she did to me but they are questions that I'm too afraid to ask her lest she takes off that mask. She's in
my life still because I have those questions and want to try to understand her through a new lens due to things that I have uncovered about what was
all done to me when I was younger. It's not hard to do as long as I participate in her masquerade. As she always said, you get more with sugar than
you do vinegar. but now this: She might have cancer and she doesn't look good at all.
So I'm sitting here, waiting and trying to figure out what all I'm going to do should she have cancer. I've already resolved to take care of her
as long as I can because that's what I can live with. I don't have to be her and exact some sort of revenge. I have to show her, or maybe just
myself, that I am so unlike her that I can do my best in the coming months to care for her in the worst situation without malice. If it is breast
cancer, the survival rate is good and then it'll only be helping her through all that needs to be done to eradicate it. If it's terminal, I'm
preparing myself for hell.
Her father was very much like her. Always liked things just so and under strict control but when it came to be his time, he descended into total
madness. He spent his last days strapped to a bed with boxing gloves on his hands to keep him from ripping out his catheter. I know that that is
what will happen with her. Stoic resolution and strength at the start and madness as that clock starts clicking down to zero hour when she realizes
that this reality is not in her control. Not going to lie, I'm scared and I don't even know if she has cancer or not yet.
What's wrong with her mind will not provide me with any deathbed confessions or even hope of making amends or peace. I know better than that. I'm
not a fool and know her well. I'm not going to get any answers. So I'm dealing with both reality, what if's and waiting. It's bad when
confronted with a possible dying parent. It's messy and conflicted when it's one who is/was terribly abusive.
If it's nothing then, at least I will know just what I'm going to do when the time does eventually come. Guess that's the silver lining of this