My Dad has 3 months to a year to live

So as some of you may or may not know, my Father has been struggling with cancer for some time now (among other health problems). He has already been through one round of chemotherapy and we were under the impression that he was in remission and the future looked positive for him. That was until this week. Somehow the doctors had noticed that the bowel cancer he had been receiving treatment for had spread up his body and into his lungs, without bothering to mention this to my parents. One doctor had apparently noticed this in one of his last sets of scans, and must have failed to relay this information to the family doctor, as this revelation came as a complete shock to my family.

Basically on monday, the doctors told him that he had 3 months to a year to live, and they would not be administering anymore chemotherapy as the cancer is inoperable, terminal, and more chemo would just reduce his quality of life in what little time he has left.

I have never lost anyone close to me before (although I have come close), and I am sort of in a state of shock. He was diagnosed quite awhile ago, so I have been quietly living with the reality that his death was inevitable for quite some time now. I don't really know how to feel, and at the moment I feel sort of numb (although frightened about the future). I've had such a roller coaster of emotions over the last year that I think I'm just feeling like I'm in a state of limbo.

I have no idea what to expect once my father passes away, as I've never grieved for a parent before. I'm also terrified for my mother, as she is also experiencing health problems (of the heart and kidneys) and I am concerned that losing her husband of 36 years might push her over the edge of her own health issues. There is also the money issue, paying for the funeral, etc. Just so much to think about that I didn't think I'd have to face so soon. I'm an only child so I have no siblings to help get me through this tough time or help with costs and such.

I guess what I'm wondering, is for those of you who have lost a parent, how do you deal with it? What was the grieving process like for you and when did you finally start to feel somewhat normal? What should I expect and what should I try to prepare for now?

My parents are quite far away from me atm, but I will be trying to make the trip to see them as soon as possible. I have no idea what to say to my dad or how to deal with this and I'm still feeling numb (I just found out about his time frame today).

Lost my Dad to Cancer.

Go be with him. Let him see what he created.

Just be there...There are no words going to make this easy.

I'm so sorry.

reply to post by DeadSeraph


I normally wouldn't talk about something like this but the thread brought back memories for me. My advice would be do everything you can to enjoy the remaining time you have left as it is precious.

For me, I remember the numb sensation afterwards, you think it's accepted that they're gone but then a wave of emotion will hit at some point. And things are never truly the same afterwards, sure you go on because they would've wanted that, and you do. But things are different, it will never be the same (especially if you are close). I haven't forgotten and I never will.

If it's prolonged as the case seems to be, then yeah, it isn't easy, just have to be there and try and enjoy the moments. The wave of emotion will hit, I remember that the most about losing someone.

Sadly I do not miss my parents. Childhood was not fun so it is hard for me to relate past wishing you and your dad the best. Be glad you are still friends and that you have had this much time together.

reply to post by DeadSeraph


I agree that to go and spend time with him while you have a chance. And if there is anything you have ever wanted to ask him ask. Now that my Dad has been gone 5 years I have all kinds of things that I wished I would've asked. I had no warning that I would be saying good bye soon. I received a phone call that he was being life-lined to a hospital in the capital city here. By the time I got there he couldn't speak anymore and was in coma. I spoke to him like I always have. I sure do miss him. Reach out if you can while you can! Blessings to you and yours.

reply to post by DeadSeraph


Talk to us.

U2U if you need to.

Rant, yell, cuss, curse, scream, cry.

We can be your support group.

I am so sorry about the news. My prayers and wishes to your family.

reply to post by Mamatus


He and I weren't very close when I was a teenager. In fact you might even say we hated each other, but we burried the hatchet when I was in my 20's and have since forgiven each other and established a relationship (for which I'm grateful). Despite the difficulties we had, I still love him, and I will miss our chats at the pub the most I think. I wish he was in good enough health to do that again.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and advice. I have let both my parents know that I will do whatever they want in the coming months (be that staying with them or coming up for visits or whatever else). Still feeling shocked but I guess I have no choice but to face this as we all must go through it eventually.

Please research natural cures as much as possible.

I believe in Gerson therapy!

gerson.org...

reply to post by DeadSeraph


I lost my dad when I was only 2 years old, and grew up never knowing or remembering anything about him. So I can't relate to what your going through. However, if I were you, I would be there for him and say what ever you never got a chance to say to him. Let him know how much you appreciated him and how much you loved him. This way you'll never regret not saying something that you wanted him to know. Life goes on and I believe we will all meet together again on another plane of existence. I bid you peace my friend and hope the time you have left with your dad is one you will cherish and find acceptance knowing he still lives on.

reply to post by DeadGhost


Even if such a thing was out there that could help, I don't think my dad would bother. He'd consider it quack science and probably has already resigned himself to his fate. In the past he has told me that he doesn't fear death, and that he is looking forward to going "home". His biggest fear is how this will affect my mother, and how she will manage when he is gone.

I found out today that he did not have life insurance, so she will not even get a payout to take some time off work. That was difficult for me to hear, as she already works 12 hour days to make the mortgage payment since he's been ill. I don't have any money atm but I will work 3 jobs to help if thats what it takes. At least they have insurance on the mortgage, so that much will get paid out and her costs will go down.

So much to think about

I am sorry. I have to agree that the treatment is worse than the disease. I've been through it..my mother is finishing her chemo. The treatment made me feel so sick. I wanted to die.
Then there are those who feel helpless..you wish you could snap your fingers and all is better.
All I can say is. Go be with him if you are able to. Let him see how you have become an independent thinker. Willing and able minded. If you can't be there. Call and talk. Have a laugh if you can..laugh about fond memories. Laughter got me through a lot.
I feel its safe to assume you love him. You wouldn't be writing this if you didn't. Let him know it. A person who is ill will have a better quality of life if the love and laughter is there.
As for you keep your chin up. Seek your peers and family.
Peace,

reply to post by DeadSeraph

I am so sorry to hear the news. I am so sorry that you find yourself feeling alone at a time like this. That said, I am going to tell you things I would not say, lest someone come along and say them. Because, you have the right to feel what you feel.

It could be worse. Yes, it could. But, this is your life, this is what you are coping with at this moment. This is your pain, and you are reaching out for understanding and compassion for what you are going through. Do not let anyone belittle you for that, or make you feel that what you are suffering is not monumental. It is. It is a huge loss that you are facing, and regardless of what Joe Bob down the road is suffering through, right now, you, and what you are going through, is what's most important. People that say this to you are either ignorant, don't care to take the time to care for your feelings, or are just discounting what you are going through is important. Never take this comment, it's cold, and demeaning, and your feelings are the most important thing in the world right now. Find somone else to talk to, this person is a waste of air.

He lived a long life, he's had his time. Really? So that makes it okay? No! It does not! Cancer is a cruel beast, and it takes people from us that matter, way before their time. You are not ready to let go, and guess what? That's okay. He is likely not ready, too. Again, people that say things like this to you are superficial, and likely have no idea what loss of a loved one is like. It is never long enough when you love someone. It's never enough time, and it is up to no one to judge that, but him and you. Again, find someone else to talk to.

Don't worry, time heals all wounds. This too, shall pass. Wow, this one really gets me. It is far from the truth, too. Time doesn't heal wounds, it may make it easier to bury them, or not think quite so often about them, but it heals nothing. It will hurt in 5 years just as much as it hurts today, and the day you lose him. This is because you love him, and because of that love, it's always going to be painful to have the loss.

What I can say. Find people that have experienced your loss, that share in your fears of loss and grief. Don't ever be afraid to say, "I am not ready", or, "I am angry this is happening". Those are legitimate feelings, and it's okay to have them.

Saying goodbye to a parent is hard. It's hard when it is sudden, it is hard when we know it is coming. No matter how you look at it, it's hard, and it hurts. Nothing anyone says, or does, is going to soothe that pain, or make it better. People are full of all sorts of platitudes, but in the end, none of that matters. You will only find peace between you and him.

Spend as much time as you can with him. Talk to him, about anything. Things that matter. Things that don't. Don't forget to laugh, and don't be afraid to cry. Don't be ashamed to tell him how much you will miss him. He will love every moment, and it will mean more than anything to him. If you have anything, even a little thing, that you are carrying from when you were young and growing up that bothers you, no matter how mundane or silly it seems, tell him. Talk about it. Get it out there. You may be surprised that he was thinking about it, too.

Don't be mad if he doesn't remember it, though. Sometimes, we kids remember things parents never even thought about. But, that doesn't matter. Talk until you can talk no more, and cherish the quiet moments, too. Watch the sun set together. Watch the sun rise. Silence doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Cherish the moments, no matter how small, how short, or how inconsequential they may seem. They will be your freshest memories. Get rid of regrets, so when he does pass, you have nothing to darken that. Nothing to bring you remorse.

Hold his hand. It will make him feel better, and it will make you feel better. It's a nice thing, to hold someones' hand, and watch the sun set. Just admire the beauty of the day as it passes, in silence. You may think he is not that type of person. You may be surprised.

Don't let anyone tell you that any thing you choose is right or wrong. Whatever you choose and feel good with, and he feels good with, is good enough. There is no right or wrong.

If you need support groups, don't be afraid to look for them. Don't ever feel ashamed to reach out, barring those types I mentioned above, most people are compassionate and caring, and happy to reach out to you in turn. You will find a gem or three here on ATS, but don't be afraid to look elsewhere, as well.

Learn as much as you can about his illness, about what to expect, about what's coming down the path for him. The best thing in the world is preparedness, and knowing won't leave you so shocked. Help him get things in order, ask him how he wants things handled, and make sure that you honor that, as closely as possible. It's those little things that matter.

I am sorry that you have to go through this, it's never easy to say goodbye, whether it is a short goodbye, or a long one. When that day finally comes, it will hurt like hell, you can never be fully prepared, even if you think you are. And, that's okay, too. Above all, just be sure he knows how much you love him. You have that chance to say anything and everything you always wanted, so don't be afraid to take that chance. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to let him cry. Listen to what he has to say, as well. He may surprise you.

You will have wonderful memories to cherish and to hold close. My heart goes out to you.You are not alone. I care.

Spend time with him. Talk and share good stories. I lost 3 relatives this last year because of various forms of cancer.
Just be with them. And when he passes, it's a beautiful thing. He is going on to the next phase of life. Rejoice in that.
He will be at peace.

My dad died from cancer. Asbestosis. He built a hospital in the late 60's/early 70's. And it killed him in 1999.

I agree with the above poster: go be with him.

reply to post by Libertygal


Wow..I have no words..
Thanks for your words.

Been said already, but I'll say it again. I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard to lose someone close to us.

Spend all the time you can with him. These last days will be precious, and your mother will need you more than ever now.

I haven't lost a parent, but I lost my grandmother who quite possibly understood me better than my mother. It's been over five years, and just writing this still brings tears to my eyes. So, yes, it gets easier, but I don't know if you ever get fully over it. I'm almost six years out from my grandmother's death, and I haven't quite yet.

I still miss her so much.

And if you are close to your father, be prepared to miss him too. Be prepared for it to hurt when you think about him and him being gone long after the fact, and understand that it will likely be worse for you mother. So be there for her and help each other as much as you can.

Have faith that when the day comes your father is no longer with us he will always be with you, I recently lost my grandmother to cancer, when she was told about the cancer in her throat it was a shock to everyone, she had never smoked or drank a day in her life, in 2010 she was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer, and was given 3 months to live.

she died last year and went peacefully in her sleep, with her loved ones by her bed, I will not lie and say it was easy to watch for 4 years. I will warn you before his time comes there will be a small spurt of energy and it sometimes seems like he is not sick at all, if hospice is told to enter the home while he is still living, know that hey are trying to keep him comfortable. there is a lot about the process of dyeing that is undeniably painful to the one with the illness and the family and friends of said person..

please know I may seem to be speaking lightly of death or the loss of your loved one but please do not take that as my lack of grief for you and your family. I have been through the same thing you are going through, my grandfather just died last week from cancer as well. so I have lost two loved ones to this horrid illness.

your loved one will always be with you even through death, in spirit. I believe that death is just the passage to our next life, and a passage away from the pain in our current life. through death there is peace.

I wish you and your family love and hope while you go through this, have faith that he will always be with you no matter the outcome.

peace be with you fellow ATS'R

DeadSeraph
reply to post by DeadGhost

 

Even if such a thing was out there that could help, I don't think my dad would bother. He'd consider it quack science and probably has already resigned himself to his fate.

That is a difficult circumstance to deal with.

It can be explained simply in a few minutes. It goes something like this:

Processed foods and unnatural chemicals introduced into the body are believed by many reputable scholars/scientists to be the root cause of cancer. The cure is simply to cease all consumption of 'anything Adam & Eve would eat in Eden', for lack of a shorter example.


A lot of people are making too much money from cancer, and those same people have been working hard for many years to silence this simple and beautiful truth. Think about the economic impact that would result from curing cancer. Pharmaceutical companies, big cancer research institutes, lots of hospitals, and Big food manufacturing companies would all go bankrupt. That's just naming a few areas. I don't want to turn this thread into a rant about medical/food corruption, and I don't want to minimize the emotional impact of what your family is going through. Seriously, you have my deepest condolences.


If you and your dad can find the time, and he's feeling open minded, watch The Gerson Miracle on Netflix. There are literally hundreds of similar independent documentaries confirming this. It's definitely not too late for him.

reply to post by DeadSeraph

My wife has experienced the loss of both her parents. I have not (perspective), but they're close now. I try to Skype with my father everyday. It's good to share this time.

My wife did not take the loss well. We're very close and her parent's passing have brought us closer still. You should ponder this for your mom's sake. I think you've already got a grasp on that, but you'll be the one who knows her best as her husband passes. This world is for the living and I hope you will keep yourself grounded in this simple knowledge.

Her mom's passing was harder than her dad's. I think that's because they were closer. We were stationed in Hawaii when her dad died and his funeral was over before she arrived. Lung cancer took her mom, and she watched her go. Not sure if that perspective will help you through this time.

There's nothing perfect about the healthcare industry. That said, most of us want to do a good job. A little help from you may keep things on track a little better, so don't just be a spectator. They may not think about referring you to someone who can better prepare you for this event ... but they know, and you should ask. I'm sure their advice will be better than anything I can offer in this post, except my sincere sympathy.

Kindest Regards from Korea,
Snarl

I lost my mother to cancer back in 2009 and miss her still. My only misgiving is that my daughter didn't get to spend more time with her. I have no regrets about the time I spent with her and that gives me great comfort. My advice to you is make peace with a terrible situation. You can't change the past so don't dwell on it. Best wishes..